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Fear of letting go

A year and a half ago we got engaged. Disbelief made me ask if he was sure. Disbelief made me ask him ask a second time. Delight made me make him ask a third time.

Being stunned meant he had to remind me, I hadn’t yet answered.

We put it off for many reasons – work, study, business, cashflow. We chose the day for one reason; it was the closest we could get to mums birthday. At the time it seemed the closet we could get to having her there.

It’s been a rather full on roller coaster of emotions to get here. That first day I insisted that we go tell each of my siblings in person. I was .. afraid?.. to be happy about it until I knew each one of them was okay with it. Like I wasn’t allowed to be happy whilst we were hurting.

They were delighted, and joyful, and finally I could too. My duty as big sister, to check on them first, being complete.

A few times throughout that year and a half, I considered cancelling any plans. Just go to a registry office, no fuss, no stress, job done.

Mostly because I was overwhelmed by an intense college course, a demanding new role and intense bouts of grief.

I feared sabotaging my own wedding because it wasn’t “right” to be happy. (I know, but that’s where my head was). To protect me from myself I turned immediately to those I trusted to help make this a wedding. A singer I love, some togs I trust, a cousin with a sweet tooth and a friend with an eye for sparkle.

I looked to my partner and the things that make him happy (lego!). He has commented here and there on how we are using all the things he loves. I hadn’t the words to tell him that decided I’d do what makes him happy until I’m ready to be happy too. I had to hope I’d be okay, at that point there was a year to go.

Then. Suddenly. Somehow. There’s only a few months to go. I’m wound and depressed and worried. So I go get help. Expensive help. But needed. I owed my partner that much. It’s what I would describe as a blend of CBT and hypnotherapy. It’s actually had some pretty dramatic results (I think).

Then. Suddenly. Somehow. There’s only 3 weeks to go.

I’m still in pain but that’s okay. Being happy in one thing, does not diminish or lessen or belittle the other. Still. I wish she was there. I wish many things. But maybe, looking to the future does not mean what my head fears – letting go of her past.

Now I can finally start to look forward to the day and marrying someone wonderful for our whole lives. X

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Author:

a bit of a shutter bug with a soft spot for antique cameras

4 thoughts on “Fear of letting go

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